The real story behind Thanksgiving

Throughout life people often remind you of the story behind Thanksgiving.  They mutter off jazz about Pilgrims, ships and hot upskirt action.  Fair enough, but I always held doubts deep within.  All of this hullabaloo about people sailing here on their big ol' boats seems a bit farfetched.  You expect me to believe people wore buckled shoes proudly and fought turkeys?  Good luck coercing my deep-thinking mind into putting my faith in that trash.  I will allow you to continue seeing truth in your ideas of witchcraft and cult rituals, and simply ask you hear me out on my interpretation of the history behind Thanksgivin'.

It was a Thursday in November about 35 years ago.  My great Uncle Gordy was 42 at the time, newly single and husky.  He was also horny, but that detail is minor and actually in no way relevant to understanding the story's main plot.  The husky part also falls short of relating but I felt like turning the reader on.  Anyhow, Gordy was really ticked off at his ex-wife Laverne for committing adultery with a one-eyed Veteran from the pool hall.  As Gordy said, "He fought in some war and thinks he's big time.  My dude's a a puss ass ho."

Gordy was super steamed about his former main chick betraying trust and destroying love just so she could have at some gross disabled guy's privates.  His anger led him to drink and his drinks made him angrier.  Gordy's drunkenness and solitude were driving him mad.  So mad his mind convinced him he heard a gobbling, as if to be from a turkey or his ex-wife Laverne on some dude's balls.  The incessant gobbling led to Gordy storming outside to see just what the Hell was going.   It was then he saw a turkey with one eye tip-toeing around the back porch causing a stir.  "One-eye?"  He thought.  "That reminds me of that grade-A fuckboy from the pool hall."

So Gordy did what any sane man would do:  He picked up the turkey, cut its neck with a spork and ate that son of a bitch alive.  "YEAH!"  he exclaimed as he bit down into the turkey's feathery ass.  When he finished stuffing down the live turkey, Gordy tracked down Laverne's motel room in an attempt to murder her.  He almost did but the pussy war veteran shot him with a gun (obviously) and stabbed him multiple times despite the clear fact he was already dead.  Adding insult to injury Laverne and her visually impaired affection did sex on top of his body.  Like animals.  Cruel, kinky ass animals.  Animals which the weirdest perverts would pay top-dollar to see online.  Like 425 bucks is around what they charge I think.

That Thursday in November became the day we mourn the tragic death and turkey eating of Gordy.  He was a hopeless drunk, but the man ate a damn turkey while it was alive.  He also died which pretty much sucks.  We eat turkey to pay homage to the awesome feat of Gord.  Stuffing is an essential side dish because he absolutely loved that stuff.  He would say "This is some good shit!" as he tore the plate up.  Gathering around the table eating good is my family's, and now all of your families' cute way of honoring my Uncle.  We have no idea what happened to Laverne, but we think she died of AIDS.

But hey thanks Thanksgivin’ for ya